A Memory Like a Speck of Dust 

(for sony ericsson u5i,nubain and morphine)

A certain memory one is trying to forget is like a speck of dust...you wont be able to notice it until it gets into your eye and irritate it. Just like the following...

For nights I've been lying on my bed,thinking of things, how they were and how they should've been. Trying to discern every possible solution to every existing problem in my life. But most of the time, I caught my self in a trance,pictures haunt my mind,flashbacks ruling over my conciousness. 

The long journey was filled with this site... Forever imprinted in my memory

The sight of dust and the feel of warm air greeted me as I stepped down from the jeepney. I scanned the area for that specific bus I have to get on to. I was nervous then, the feeling of uncertainty almost overpowering me as I dialled your number. I was so frantic you were not able to answer right away,and so I sent you a sms and hurriedly checked each bus's signage. I breath a sigh of relief when I gathered up courage and actually done asking the dispatcher which bus to take. i was anxious to take this travel alone, my first ever trip to a place I've never been to. I sitted my self comfortably to one spot and ran my eyes to every corner of the vehicle, hoping I could see some familiar face who I could ask to if ever I'd ran into trouble,like, say, getting lost. Moments later my phone beeped, it was your reply. You just don't know how you could make me smile even with your simplest messages. Afterall, you were the one who told me to always smile... 

The journey is definitely long, i told my self but the anxiety of going to an almost unknown place and the thrill of it at the same time consumed me. As the bus moved, I was only thinking of one thing, that if ever I'd fall asleep, by the time I open my eyes I'd already be there, and you're there,waiting. The sights were all unfamiliar...long stretches of ricefields, limestone lined mountain sides... these feasted my eyes. And soon it became to grow dark. My anxiety returned as I tried to picture out the surroundings. I was bombarded with a lot of worries...what if I get lost! Oh man! That won't be pretty! But I have to be smart and compel my self to think clearly...well,just in case. 

And at last, as the bus halted to its intended destination, in a groggy state I lifted my self up the seat and tried to battle the dizziness of traveling for hours away. I gingerly stepped out of the bus and sighed.. So this is the place! Hmmm ok...thinking to my self.  I placed my bags on the passenger waiting area and waited. A tall familiar figure came up from behind me and smiled. I smiled back. You know how you make me smile. After a short chat of how the trip was,tiresome but fun really I said, we got unto one of those transpo ruling your place. I couldn't help but notice how you stared at me, which I really really liked that I have to stare back at you and we both giggled and gave a toothy smile at each other. We settled for the night in some place. As we entered the room I was feeling a little awkward since this is actually our first meeting as "no longer strangers" and "no longer neighbors". But I couldn't help but sink in your embrace for this is one of those things I so longed. Finally, I have to be with you,even if it would only last for a day at most. I sank deeper and deeper to this emotion that I had with you. If it was pure bliss then that would be it. 

You took me out for a while and shown me your world, where do you go, where you spend your time most. As we walked through that alley lit by a flickering night light,I remembered of how we were once walking pass each other, but you said those were the olden days since we are no longer those strangers. You leaned your head over my shoulder for a moment, and I wanted to hug you that time but of course we're at the wrong place for that. And how you made each move you made seem so unforgettable.

The next day, i learned I caused a lot of trouble for you during the wee hours of night and for that I shamingly said sorry. You gave me your toothy smile again and that imrpinted in me. Later I caught you laughing as we hussled through the market place for the thing I bought as "pasalubong". And who would ever forget the time you introduced me to dear little morphine and nubain.

I packed my bags and we both threaded the now busy street of your place and headed for the terminal. I looked at you for seemingly endless times and saved that picture inside me. We bid a good farewell and sweared we were at our happiest for the past 24 hours of our lives. Dust flew in the air as the warm air rose from the dry earth of the place. I closed the door of the L300 van as you turned your back,with morphine and nubain on tow rode the three wheeler and took off. And also as my transport moved, I would wish for things to come...that I'd be able to spend more time with you some other day. My mind was full of memories,happy they were all, as the van passed through town to town. I was greatly endulged with those memories of the past day that I never ever imagined..... that...would...be..possibly...the last time...I would ever....gaze upon that place....and you..... 

(this is my last blog entry in Friendster blog dated February 1, 2009)

My Other World…

February 1st, 2009by benzonyte

I woke up late this morning, around 11am and my eyelids sag.
Reeves kept me up til 2am earlier. Oh Reeves? That Beast kin, half human half tiger. I don’t even know why I’m helping him. It’s just that I don’t have anything else to do. It gets boring when you just fly all day over Pangyu, or kill those giant monster spiders on the fields of Ice Rock at the northern part of the map. And it gets irritating when you stare at those non sense talk over the world chat.

Well anyway, I crept through Hell’s mouth at Universal City and see what’s happening on the other side. There’s my friend Sylphea,a human warrior we call Wu Xia, mobbing those drum -carrying freaks over Blasphemy land. I flew over her/him(hehe) and shouted. I’ve seen she/he’s quite busy and decided not to wait for her response. And so atop my Kylin I hopped through the barren lands and evaded some beasts until I reached Demon land’s portal. In a jiffy I was out and wading through the crowded alley of UC. People are always streaming there, to vend, to buy, to fight or curse each other. There are some that chose to plunk on the cliff side; I guess like me they’ve nothing much to do. Here comes ‘Claire and her beau ‘Andrei. They’re also part of the Beast kin: `Claire’s half fox while `Andrei’s half tiger. And there they both go…

Me… I mean my avatar at Pangyu’s realm… Delzhare. I can’t help but absorbed into him. He’s my alter ego, frail yet nonetheless a fighter. I parked my self near the crag’s edge, well away from the noise and disturbance of endless combats. I wonder what they’d get from dueling each other.  So I pondered and noticed the moon peeking through the summit of Cross and Snowslide. Immediately I was drawn to the sight. I unfolded my sharp-edged crystal wings we call Seize the Day and flew over the terrain of Boundless Prairie, feeling like the moon’s calling me. I snapped back to my senses when a bunch of flying fiends started preying on me. I almost lost it. Good thing I have my healing skills on check.

Yes I am one of those they call priests in gaming terms. A You LIng like me is always being summoned when a party needs to go on an adventure or go on mockery with other characters in the arena or in the killing fields. Being endowed with such abilities of a healer and a buffer come as gift and a curse. We are always sought and sometimes “kidnapped”. We die first on the field if we’re not careful or our troop took us forgranted, especially if we are up against another band of blood seeking characters. And our fall is everybody’s fall. No kidding.

Oh well encountering those marauding birds in the sky had me back to where I came from. This time I stood beside one of Universal City’s many temples and just watched the moon rose from the horizon. A let out a deep long sigh. I stared at the bright disk on the sky and asked “What mystery do you hold that even here at the other side of the reel world I’m drawn to you? Why am I entranced by your sight? How do you magnetize someone like me, pulling me to your side? Why do I feel happy when basked by your light?”

I knocked my self so much with thoughts that when I happen to glance at the sky the moon’s gone. Oh well that’s how time goes at Pangyu. As if dusting myself off, I started walking away from the cliff’s edge towards the busy mob. I waved at Big,another Wu Xia friend of mine, and started chatting. Oh my, here we go, I told my self. We’re teaming up with Crooked to set off for a hunt. I frowned in front of the pc’s screen but oh well, better be busy than doing nothing. Crooked’s a loud Wu Xia, but that’s excusable,’coz he’s a friend also. “Let’s go!”, said Crooked. Well good luck to us, hoping we’ll find what we’re seeking. I instantly rode my Dragon mount Kylin once again, strutted towards Miss Lu Chang. After grudgingly paying her fee,at a blink I’m at Dragon city. And another perilous sojourn awaits me, Big, Crooked and two others behind the doors of eery Dark Palace.

The rest is history ….

HERE'S TO YOU.....

                                                                                HERE'S TO YOU..... (January 7, 2009)

Was it love that made you trust me with your kept secrets in life? Was it love that made you so affectionate that night that i melted on my seat? Was it your true feelings that made me tremble when you wrote something on that lil piece of orange paper? Or you were just so influenced by the passing of alcohol thru your blood brain barrier? I used to say that love at first sight, or moments,existed, that was after spending that faithful night together. I was naive back then. Young, so carefree, hurt. I was this child who was lost, trapped and alone. Then you came. You were like my childish hero I worshipped and hoped that someday will come. And indeed you saved me, from all of my loneliness and insecurities. That 1 month 21 days with you were bliss.

Then, the full moon would drive me nuts. The song we used to sing made me shed tears. I’d read those neatly written letters on those lil orange papers you gave me. I adopted your scent. I thought of what’s was and how it all was…and again shed tears.

I guess that was then. Now, ours was no more than a memory, an experience that gave me light to those bitterness I once had. After much pondering that I realized love at its weakest foundation would never last. I learned that from you, to never expect great things to happen, to never dream with my eyes open.

You never thought i’d grow up, but i did. I understand what happened that night: there i was lost and bewildered with a loss… you sort of feeling the same way. It was just excitement and curiosity that bonded us, trying to knot the tie that we both thought we had some things in common. I won’t deny that it as infatuation that brought us closer together at first…until it grew. Yes our feelings were sincere, until you woke up from the fantasy we were trying to build. And at first, I didn’t really understand what happened, for it seemed everything was perfect. It took me some time, a year or so mind you (hehe) until I knocked my self up.

Life went on so swiftly that i have no time contemplating anymore…until recently i recieved a message from you. I must admit it gave my heart a little twitch..that’s just it.  We lived our lives through the years that I almost forgot what was ours. But I really appreciate what you said… and the thing is, I’ve already forgiven you even before you said sorry. Hahahahaha ganun ako ka bait! But seriously, I’m one forgiving person. Everything’s ok now. I already gave up on us ages ago. And, though sadly, I also gave up on us being friends. It’s ok, I understand that we’re nothing more than acquaintances to each other. That’s fine with me, maybe it’s better that way.

Although, there’s this fact that kept ringing in my mind… that we were better off as friends than lovers. Really. We could have soared heights and reached some things that lovers could never have. But then again….

Well i hope everything’s fine with you there. I never had the chance to say thank you for the blissful times you spent with me. I loved (-ed) you with all my life, you know that, and I’m happy to have that.  You can still reach me, you know where to look…though not expecting… Oh well…that’s it for us hehehe God bless and thank you…

After Ages of Nothing
October 4, 2008

barbara streisands’ song keeps ringing in my ears…it goes like ” it’s 3 in the morning…” which is actually true. yep it’s 3 am and i’m still up. why am i still up is the question i cant give an appropriate answer. hmm maybe i just wanna fill in the gap here on my blog. this has been untouched for more than a year and many times had it strucked me. i had this compulsion to let some things out, some things i shouldnt keep within myself. oh well nothing important, but i think i just need an exhaust for all those overwhelming, some a bit bothersome, things in me. but of course i wont spill everything out ( you wish haha). anyways, *sigh* i’ve never been very thankful to God for showering me a lot of blessings. it was a tough beginning of the year yet here i am, triumphant with every small battles i had for He was always at my side. Thank Thee.

i happened to see a movie, locally made, a while ago ( thru youtube) which strucked me in the heart. the story was not really that, ahmm how should i say this, complicated in a sense that an average person would find it very boring to watch. after all it was an indie film…the story just hit me, gave this little twitch in me. hey what can i do, im an emo person in reality ( note: long before the term “emo” was used excessively by young people ). it was just a plain old story of a friendship that went beyond that usual bond. i dunno how to describe it but it’s that (i hope you get what i mean). it’s just that i emphatized with the lead character that’s all. it’s what i also wanted. having a close friend that i could keep for life. and do some stupid stuffs together without regretting ‘em! HAHAHAHA

i kept on playing jeff buckley’s everybody here wants you (thanks to a friend of mine for sharing this song) and i cant help but internalize the song ( that’s me). i can relate to the lyrics. ” i know everybody here wants you, i know everybody here thinks he needs you”… yeah true true. i scorn at those people who feel they own you. i dunno what’s got to their minds but hey, you’re not their property. hahahaha i dunno what’s the root of this shitty feeling. maybe i’m just jealous coz you’re too popular to everybody. i dunno. i hate it when your attention is being stolen by everybody at the sidestream.or maybe… i.. if you only knew…. i can’t continue…i won’t… i’d be spilling a lot if…hehehe

earlier i have to console somebody, half sarcastically (sorry), he was quite at a loosing side. i told him it was karma, he didnt believe me. so i told him maybe the whole incident happened to teach him to value those little persons around him. not that he’d only run unto them if he needed them. i dunno if understood what i said but he added that he have to keep himself from fully loving somebody and keep a little for himself. ah! the problem with love. i believe that every situation teaches something. something happened for a reason as they say. we all just have to live with it. i know it’s easy for me to say but hey, been there done that. oh well so sorry for you.

my eyes are killing me now but i still feel that i’ve not yet reached the purpose of this write up. there’s a lot of things still inside me that are crying out to b heard or read, or be understood. i hope sombedy would be dumb enough to read this.

i guess im returning to the old me…same old emo,senti idiot i’ve always been. who cares, right?  oh well maybe someone does, and hopefully “you” do.

In the full moon's light I listen to the breeze

March 11, 2007


I really hate it when i try to convince my self that i’m ok being alone…

nights ago…there i was sitting like a homeless lad on our balcony, doin my favorite past time…watching the full moon…

i was alone back then, and i thought it was ok… but the truth is, i’m not…

years back, i had this extreme addiction of self mutilation when i feel lonely, when i’m alone, when i’m sad… it was sort of trying to bring out my depression…trying to mask the inner pain with the pain on my skin… i know it wasn’t good nor normal but i kept on doin it because it makes me feel rather good…God… it wasnt normal, it’s beyond it actually.

i’m just thankful nowadays that i don’t have to scutter around lookin for a razor to cut my self… it was a scarry habit….yep, it was indeed….

goin back nights ago, i was literally alone… and i’m not used to be like that…noone to talk to, nobody to tell crazy stories…just me,alone..and the full moon… and it makes me think…where’s that damn razor…and i told my self “oh no! not again! no!”… i sent sms to some friends, trying to tell them i nid company…a few picked my signal (damn smart telecom for faulty system!!!)… thankfully…i fell asleep…never remembering nor putting into action what my crazy mind is telling me to do….

sigh*…what would be the next time that i’d be alone….

that’s why when i tell you i need company, damn i really need a company….i really need it…

From a Certain Page of a Journal

(March 1, 2007)

when everything was still down, when everything felt empty, when things weren’t the same…the times when i was just sittin around, staring blankly ahead and finding the right words to say…

persons come and go in our lives…sometimes
some are wastes of time while some are really worth
keeping..sometimes you’ll know when you got
the right chemistry even if you’ll meet for the
first time… some people tend to misjudge you
while some,oh well, got the motto “the hell i
care?”…some of those you’ll meet will
eventually be gone,save those few moments
you had with him… some stay, even if not for a
lifetime, but they tend to stick around…and
that’s what sometimes we tend to ignore..the
person who’s beside you right now…what’s the
point? hey! learn to value him,be thankful for
having him…spend a little time with him.. you’ll
never know,when he’s gone that you’ll actually
realize you want him beside you….

sigh* sad fact sometimes that is things aren’t permanent…in due time we have just have to bear the bitterness and the pain and let go…slowly..hard it is but what can we do? just lay around,reminisce the time you spent together? ouch…painful isn’t it…

heather headley’s song had this to say:  i wish i could go back to the day before we met and skip my regrets…

but then… let go…

and so to thee:

try looking at the things & persons beside
you, are you damn sure they’re for real?

but hey… thanks a lot for all those wonderful things we had…i could not ask for more than your happiness…

thank you…

(lifted from the pages of some certain journal….

The pioneer (i think) of networking sites is going to have an upgrade. In lieu with this I'm transferring my blog entries from there to here, which I have been thinking of doing these past days.

So the next entries are old ones. I'm gonna post the dates they were made as well.

Everything started here.....

Back in 1998, I was sitting around minding my own business during the Catechism Day when I was suddenly pulled up from my seat by my Religious instructor and told me that I am officially made a contestant in the "Find that Bible verse' contest. Well yeah,  like I was sitting there looking dumb and then at"a flick now I'm a contender in some contest I am not familiar with. So what can I do, right?

In the end, I lost but didn't go home empty handed. They gave me a 50-leaves notebook as a consolation (hurray!). Upon arriving home, I scornfully looked at the notebook, at that time thinking of what to do with it. I have already several thick notebooks I used in school, and I don't write down lessons during class that much. I placed it on top of the table next to my mom's bag, and started to walk away but before I could turn my back entirely, a small of what seemed to be a booklet caught my eye pinned under my mom's bag. I inspected the little notebook...About 5" in length,3" wide and 2" thick. It's covered with black leather with colorful linings on the sides. The pages where headed with dates and page numbers. "Ah, a mini diary" I exclaimed to myself and an interest to write about me self rose from within and before you knew it, I picked up my notebook which I previously "won" and the mini one and called out ,"Nay can I have this mini booklet in exchange of my notebook?". I didn't wait for her reply, it's always been a yes to me.


And so the saga of me writing journals started from there....
and how time changes everything.... I had my booklets with me for all those years...now, I have my blog site. Cool, ayt?